Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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