you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
