Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
