I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
