I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
