the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
