this beer tastes like vomit already
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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