3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I checked into jail on foursquare
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
