I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Operation Purity has been aborted
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I want to be your penis for a week.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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