Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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