How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
