Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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