I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
