Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
