evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
