mondays should just be called national damage control day
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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