And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
