omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
