i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
