I'm going to jail i love you
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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