I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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