I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
