if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
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A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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