Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
