clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
