Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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