Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
