I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
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I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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