Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
