I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
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He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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