i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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