when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
