I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
