Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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