Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
