So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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