so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
