Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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