I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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