There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
