One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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