Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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