Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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