I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
