Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize