so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
