Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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