I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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