You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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