So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
