Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
