I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
