the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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