i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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