Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
